K, jika kamu suka menggambar,
Menggambarlah
Gunakan imajinasimu tanpa batas.
Silahkan tuang apapun yang ada dalam benakmu ke atas kertas lewat coretanmu.
Gambar-gambarmu selalu memiliki makna, mama tidak pernah berpikir sebaliknya.
Setiap kamu meminta kertas untuk menggambar, mama berikan.
Itu adalah bentuk dukungan mama terhadap bakat & minatmu.
Menggambarlah. Berimajinasilah.
Have you ever been in a phase where you questioned yourself about the reason of your existence in this world?
“Why do I live?”
“What do I live for?”
“What if I decide to just die tomorrow?”
Then, you’d think about a slight possibility of doing suicide. You’d wonder “what if I kill myself?”
You know, I’ve been there. I’ve been in that phase. Maybe 10 years ago, when I was in my first year of college. Oh no, I wasn’t depressed. I didn’t think so. I wasn’t depressed that I felt sad or lost my appetite or half alive. No, I didn’t feel all of that. I just wondered all of those questions, and those questions stuck in my head for days. I didn’t feel I wanna kill myself at all, I just wondered “what if?”, “What if I decide not to live anymore?” but without feeling, not even a bit, to really want to do it. I just imagined it. Then, suddenly, when I was imagining that I killed myself, I imagined my family. My parents especially. If I died that way, I could imagine that my parents, who had worked so hard to raise me and fulfilled my education need until I could enter this number one institute in my country, would feel terribly sad. If I killed myself, my parents would be sad, not only because of losing her child, but they might also blame themselves so I committed suicide. I knew they’d feel so. And I knew that they didn’t deserve it. I couldn’t make them sad that way, after all they had given and done to me. They didn’t deserve it. They deserve to be happy.
Therefore, I knew the reason for me to live then. I’m gonna live to make them happy. I have to pay what they had done to me. That must be why I live for, right? After that, I felt relieved. I didn’t know what made me ever felt that way before. Maybe because I once disappointed my parents for my decision before. That’s why I felt sad for months. Although, I knew I shouldn’t feel guilty because I have a right to make a decision for myself, for what I feel is right for me. My parents should be more understanding, right? But my mother cried that time, then I felt guilty for a long time. So I thought, I had to prove them. I had to prove them that I made the right decision, that there was nothing my parents should worry about. I promised myself that I’m gonna make them happy in the future.
Right now….
I still think that my parents think I’m a failure. I may not be able to make my parents, especially my mother, happy now. I’m sorry, mother. I can only pray to God, that you’d somehow understand when the truth comes later. I hope you can forgive me by that time, if not in this time. I may not make you happy and smile now but I really pray to God that God always protects you and gives you health. Now I have another reason to live. My family. My husband and my kids. And God.
8.7.2012 – 8.7.2017
Five years of marriage.
And God has blessed us one adorable daughter and one cheerful son.
These five years have been the happiest years of my life.
And I am grateful everyday to God, for sending you to me, my husband.
Happy 5th anniversary 😊😘
If you meet my first daughter, you’ll see that she is like a chatterbox. She almost couldn’t stop talking. She asked a million questions everyday. Just like Peppa Pig haha. Tapi di sisi lain kecerewetannya itu, K memiliki banyak cerita dan imajinasi yang ia tuangkan ke dalam gambar-gambarnya. Yes, she likes to draw very much. She has been drawing since 2 years old. Setiap hari selalu ada cerita berbeda di gambarnya. Hari ini dia menggambar Shaun the sheep, besoknya dia menggambar Putri duyung. Besoknya lagi, inspirasinya akan berbeda lagi. Saya selalu sediakan kertas untuknya menggambar biar ia terus mengasah skillnya sendiri. Dan tak jarang pun ia terus mengoceh tiada henti sambil menggambar.
Saya memposting hasil2 gambarnya bukan untuk show off, tapi untuk dokumentasi, karena saya malas menyimpan banyak kertas hahaha. Dan banyak orang yang memberi komentar betapa berbakatnya anak saya yang masih 4 tahun itu dalam menggambar. Komentar mereka menjadi konfirmasi buat saya bahwa berarti menggambar termasuk salah 1 bakat dan minat K yang harus diasah terus selagi is masih menggemarinya, yang harus saya support terus secara positif.
Kalau udah tahu anaknya suka gambar, kenapa ga dimasukin les gambar aja bu? Awalnya sih semangatnya begitu, tapi ada kenalan yang anaknya juga jago gambar bilang dia kuatir kalau ikut les gambar, gaya gambar anaknya akan terlalu diarahkan. Hmm bener juga ya, jadi gak mau buru2 juga masukin anak ke Les gambar, tunggu agak besaran aja ya.
Tugas saya sekarang untuk terus memfasilitasinya pada kesenangannya menggambar ini. Sesungguhnya gambar saya juga lumayan kok, cukup bagus, kalau ada contohnya, LOL. Andai memang bakatnya terus berkembang hingga besar wah saya senang sekali, karena banyak sekali profesi kreatif yang menggunakan bakat menggambar ini. Apalagi kalau bakatnya sudah terlihat dari usia dini, jadi bisa fokus diasahnya. Kata Ayah Edy sih begitu. Tapi tidak menutup kemungkinan K memiliki sejumlah bakat yang lain yang belum saya gali. Jadi, tetap harus dikenalkan dengan beragam jenis aktivitas. Hingga saat ini sih, K cukup tertarik dengan kegiatan sewing. Sejak 3.5 tahun saya sudah mengajarkan K menjahit menggunakan jarum beneran. And I see her pretty enjoy in doing it. Bahkan dia udah bisa tusuk feston, hihi.
K juga sudah terlihat senang bersosialisasi walau masih egosentris, alias senangnya menjadi yang diperhatikan. Tak jarang mencari perhatian dengan memanfaatkan adiknya yang masih bayi. Tapi dia termasuk anak yang mudah berteman lah, hingga mamanya pusing tiap dia minta main keluar di saat mamanya sedang tidak bisa menemani. Yang bikin saya agak surprise beberapa bulan lalu di sebuah acara playdate, K berani maju sendiri saat pembagian sertifikat tanpa disuruh mama papanya, dan dengan percaya dirinya berdiri di baris terdepan untuk difoto bersama anak2 lain seumurannya. Memang masih ada kekurangan dari skill sosialisasinya tentu saja, tapi saya lega K bukan lagi anak yang agresif seperti dia masih 2 tahun, yang kadang mendorong atau memukul temannya karena sifat dominannya. I’m sure you’ll find out yourself the best way for you to be friends with as many people as you want, K. I’m gonna trust your instincts, walau sambil menahan pusing dan emosi hahaha. Masih banyaaak PR saya untuk terus mengexplore dan mengexplore dan observasi dan menilai bakat alaminya. Semua ini mama lakukan agar kelak kamu survive di kehidupan ini, nak. Dan supaya kamu gak salah jurusan seperti mama, LOL.
Within 2 weeks, my marriage will step into 5 years old. For five years, I have been spending time with a same guy, which is my husband. And we’ve been blessed by two kids, a girl and a boy. Thinking back, I once wonder, what if I hadn’t gotten married 5 years ago? Or what if my husband and I decided to postpone having a child? If I hadn’t gotten married, I’m definitely still working. And I would be in Jakarta, or in any other city than Samarinda since I don’t like the city at all (I will talk about this in another post). If I hadn’t gotten married, I probably would travel a lot. I’d probably watch Coldplay concert last month. I’d probably still hang out with friends till midnight almost everyday, hahaha. But, I’ve been in that phase, and I was still lonely, even though I was surrounded by many fun friends. Well, I admit that there’s one thing I haven’t felt, which is the traveling part, so I couldn’t compare yet. But can anyone guarantee that I would be happier if my condition is different? If I am still free and single and can go anywhere I like?
The answer is here..
Everytime I look at my baby’s face, I wish I could freeze time. I wish I could hug and kiss my baby as much as possible. I wish he didn’t grow up so soon. But I also can’t wait to see them growing and I don’t want to miss it, even just a bit. And everytime I feel my husband’s hand in mine and his chest in my cheek, I wish we could be like that forever.
So, you know the answer. I’m truly happy with my marriage. My husband is not perfect but neither am I. My husband is not perfect but he completes me. He may not say “I love you” everyday, but I know he does. I know he is a very loyal husband and there’s no reason for me not to trust him and not think twice when he proposed a marriage. And you know what, we never fight for these years. Twice or three times in the early years of our marriage, there were “crash” moments between us, but it never stayed long, never made us yell or say bad words to each other. When it happened, when I or both of us got mad, I just cried and my husband made a silent treatment to me. But I’m glad in the last 3 years, we never get mad anymore.
And as for the kids, I can’t imagine my life without them. When my kids were born, I found a new passion. To be their first teacher. To be their first best friend forever. So I don’t regret at all to have them as immediately as possible after we married. I don’t regret at all to choose these roles, a housewife and a mother. I am looking forward to many of our anniversaries in the future.
It’s 4 am in the morning. It is raining hard. And have been blackout for 2 hours already. I am hungry but too chickened out to get out in the dark, haha.. Normally I would start the day right now since I think it’s just useless to try to sleep again (especially when your tummy’s grumbling). So here I am, waiting for the lights on while hoping to delay the Monday routine as long as possible. Why? Because other than it’s obviously Monday, but also because my husband plans to go out of town until tomorrow.
Lately, I feel tired doing all the houseworks while handling my 4 year old toddler and a baby who is currently learning to walk from 8 to 6 by my self. And to face it for two days in a row without my husband? Brace myself. Yeah, I don’t know why I don’t enjoy my routine as usual. Usually I am okay with just me and my kid at home, even enjoyed it. But right now I’ve been stressed out, mostly by my baby’s food. Everyday I wake up by thinking “what should I make today for my baby wants to eat?” I wish he could just tell me what he wants and I will make it. Hahahaha.. But he is a baby of course. I know my baby and I prefer Baby-Led Weaning (where you let your baby eat by himself mostly) method but it’s still a very hard work, you know. It’s not easy, but they say it’s worth it. And the other problem is I am not so creative in cooking, so cooking for me is not a fun thing. Cooking is just a responsibility for me. I still much enjoy the role as a teacher to my children rather than a chef, really. This as fact, I can enjoy hours spending to make something for my children to learn but I hate spending hours just in a kitchen. Cooking would be less stressful if I don’t do it while hurrying since I can’t let my baby without me for a long time. So, I just have to be patient, but it’d feel much easier when your husband helps me too through the day.
It’s already 4:30 am in the morning. The light’s already on, thanks God. I’d better get out of my room and start the day to make my morning feel manageable. Please, kiddos, be nice.
P.S : I wish I had chocolate
Sering banget punya rencana seperti ini tiap malam : besok mau bangun siang dan gak usah masak! Mikirin rencana sederhana seperti itu buat seseorang yang memiliki peran sebagai ibu rumah tangga adalah sesuatu yang amat sangat menyenangkan. Tapi, tiba-tiba gw langsung inget sesuatu : gw lagi ada bayi woy! Langsung lah rencana sederhana namun berasa surga itu langsung lenyap seketika. Hahaha yah begitulah, kalau lagi ada bayi, yang bikin senang itu amat sangat tidak muluk2. Bukan lagi perlu nonton tiap minggu di bioskop atau karokean di Happy Puppy. Cukup mengimpikan bisa mandi lama sendiri tanpa interupsi tangisan atau teriakan, atau sekedar bisa begadang baca novel kesukaan atau maraton serial tv kesayangan tanpa memedulikan besok harus bangun jam berapa atau masak apa buat anak-anak atau harus kasih aktivitas apa buat mereka bermain sambil belajar.
Tapi, tau gak sih? Semalas-malasnya gw memulai hari tiap pagi, tapi tiap liat anak-anak bangun dan mereka tersenyum (terutama si bayi yang lagi lucu-lucunya hahaha), pasti langsung kembali semangat 45 untuk bersibuk-sibuk ria di rumah. Coz I know that this moment won’t last long and won’t last forever. My baby will only be a baby in short time. Soon in the future I’d feel how time flies seeing my children suddenly has grown up and I’d miss these moments. Jadi, seberapa rempongnya urus anak2 sekarang, I just have to enjoy it as long as they’re still little, coz they’re not little forever! Lalu tiba-tiba jadi mellow deh saya, hahaha.
#curhatanpagiharidikalayanglainmasijtidursementarasayaharussudahstandbydidapur
Setiap ketemu hari Jumat dari dulu selalu bersyukur. Loh emang bukannya buat ibu yang kerja seharian di rumah semua hari itu sama saja? Haha ya enggak lah ya. Urus anak sendirian itu capek. Capek pikiran, hati, fisik. Bahkan bisa lebih capek dari kerja kantoran. Kalau weekend ya senang banget karena ada suami yang bantuin urus anak dan pekerjaan rumah. Trus bisa jalan2 sekeluarga buat refreshing. Sangat berharga buat saya yang sekarang makin jarang punya me-time. Jadi, saya bersyukur hari ini sudah Jumat. Besok weekend dan bisa jalan-jalan yayyy!
Beda anak beda cerita. Anak saya yang kedua, baby D, yang masih bayi ini suka banget senyum. Gampang banget bikin dia tertawa. Trus beda dari kakaknya yang pas bayi cuma mau digendong oleh orang2 rumah atau yang sering dilihat, nah si baby D ini mah ga protes digendong sama orang baru ataupun sama orang yang jarang dilihat. So lucky to have this little guy in our family 😘.
Kenapa gw memilih jadi stay-at-home mother?
Ok, yang pertama, alasan awal gw resign dan memilih urus anak sendiri adalah karena ketidaknyamanan suasana kantor. Gak win-win solution rasanya kalau gw ga enjoy kerja dan ga enjoy mikirin anak diurus orang lain. So, mending gw pilih keluar dari kerjaan yang super ga nyaman itu.
Kedua, maybe because I am a bit of a perfectionist person. Ketika gw dapat ilmu2 parenting, gw merasa harus gw sendiri nih yang nerapin. Gw merasa orang lain ga akan bisa sesuai ekspektasi gw dalam asuh anak gw. Terutama kakek-neneknya ya, tau sendiri kan betapa soft nya mereka sama cucu2nya. Kalau terpaksa, gw lebih baik hire orang lain yang masih terbilang muda, yang masih bisa gw kasih tau, ajarin, educate sesuai yang gw mau. Kan mereka dibayar untuk itu toh? Tapi tetap rasanya gw ga percaya orang lain bisa sesuai ekspektasi. Kalau orang lain mungkin bisa ya gimana ajarin pengasuh buat ikut didik si anak. Kalau bisa ya it’s okay, karena jadi SAHM atau Working Mother itu sama2 bagus kok yang penting happy. Karena saya ga happy jadi working mother di kantor lama saya ya, I chose other option. Pun udah dapat pengasuh yang oke, entah gimana gw liat tetep banyak yang bertahan lama. Tetiba pulang kampung lah biasanya jadi mesti pusing lagi cari pengasuh baru, lalu adaptasi lagi, lalu ajarin lagi. Gitu terus berulang2. Kasus yang gw liat banyak banget terjadi di teman2 gw. Jadi, kalau gw sih lebih pusing punya pengasuh daripada kerja jauh dari anak. Buat gw sih ya begini, kan tiap orang beda2 toh..
Ketiga, karena gw jadi mikir untuk melakukan bisnis atau kerjaan freelance sendiri dari rumah. Kata siapa SAHM itu mesti ga bisa menghasilkan duit? Banyak teman wanita gw yang berbisnis sambil urus anak dari rumah. Trus kalau bosen di rumah ya keluar aja jalan sama anak. Or playdate-an, ajak teman lain yang juga punya anak untuk main2 bersama di mall or anywhere possible. This is what I often do. Saya ikut komunitas yang kegiatannya playdate2 bertemakan aktivitas bermain sambil belajar. Memang seharian ngurusin anak, ngobrol sama balita dan seharian dicerewetin sama anak tuh bisa bikin otak konslet memang 😁. Solusinya, ya kalau bisa kesepakatan ama suami untuk me time sejenak barang 2 jam aja itu udah refreshing banget. Kalau gabisa, playdate-an sama teman2 senasib itu juga membantu sangat. Jadi kata siapa SAHM itu melulu di dapur dan bau terasi? Hahaha, gw honestly jarang kali ke dapur.
Menurut gw, tugas jadi ibu itu udah berat. Pekerjaan tersulit namun dibayar termahal, karena dibayarnya dengan cinta. So, prioritasnya adalah bukan cari uang. Tapi cari kebahagiaannya dulu. Kalau memang happy nya kerja ya silahkan jadi working mother. Kalau happy nya ga kerja kantoran ya gausah pusing, jadi SAHM aja rasanya memiliki kepuasan tersendiri, biar suami yang bertugas utama cari uangnya. Kalau memang jiwanya SAHM, tugas utama kita ya keluarga kita, masalah uang sebaiknya tidak jadi fokus utama si ibu jika ada ayah yang bisa menopang keluarga. Kalau saya yakin, jika sekarang belum bisa aktualisasi diri dalam menghasilkan uang, akan ada saatnya nanti saya bisa ikut bekerja. Memang jika masih ada bayi dan anak balita masih sulit bagi waktu. Saya gamau terlalu pusing karena nanti malah anak terbengkalai. Kita bersabar aja, jika sudah waktunya dan ada kesempatan pasti bisa. Bener kan? hihi..
