To Jump or Not To Jump

Have you ever been in a phase where you questioned yourself about the reason of your existence in this world? 

“Why do I live?”

“What do I live for?”

“What if I decide to just die tomorrow?”

Then, you’d think about a slight possibility of doing suicide. You’d wonder “what if I kill myself?” 

You know, I’ve been there. I’ve been in that phase. Maybe 10 years ago, when I was in my first year of college. Oh no, I wasn’t depressed. I didn’t think so. I wasn’t depressed that I felt sad or lost my appetite or half alive. No, I didn’t feel all of that. I just wondered all of those questions, and those questions stuck in my head for days. I didn’t feel I wanna kill myself at all, I just wondered “what if?”, “What if I decide not to live anymore?” but without feeling, not even a bit, to really want to do it. I just imagined it. Then, suddenly, when I was imagining that I killed myself, I imagined my family. My parents especially. If I died that way, I could imagine that my parents, who had worked so hard to raise me and fulfilled my education need until I could enter this number one institute in my country, would feel terribly sad. If I killed myself, my parents would be sad, not only because of losing her child, but they might also blame themselves so I committed suicide. I knew they’d feel so. And I knew that they didn’t deserve it. I couldn’t make them sad that way, after all they had given and done to me. They didn’t deserve it. They deserve to be happy. 

Therefore, I knew the reason for me to live then. I’m gonna live to make them happy. I have to pay what they had done to me. That must be why I live for, right? After that, I felt relieved. I didn’t know what made me ever felt that way before. Maybe because I once disappointed my parents for my decision before. That’s why I felt sad for months. Although, I knew I shouldn’t feel guilty because I have a right to make a decision for myself, for what I feel is right for me. My parents should be more understanding, right? But my mother cried that time, then I felt guilty for a long time. So I thought, I had to prove them. I had to prove them that I made the right decision, that there was nothing my parents should worry about. I promised myself that I’m gonna make them happy in the future.

Right now….

I still think that my parents think I’m a failure. I may not be able to make my parents, especially my mother, happy now. I’m sorry, mother. I can only pray to God, that you’d somehow understand when the truth comes later. I hope you can forgive me by that time, if not in this time. I may not make you happy and smile now but I really pray to God that God always protects you and gives you health. Now I have another reason to live. My family. My husband and my kids. And God.

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